If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
