I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
