Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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