chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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