Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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