I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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