I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
