What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
