After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
