u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
