Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Sorry about my life...
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
