the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
