There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
