the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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