Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
