Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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