He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just want to make out with him forever
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
