im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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