sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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