having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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