imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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