So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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