the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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