He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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