He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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