I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
