You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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