So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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