I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
