I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
