It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
