Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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