I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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