What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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