you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
