i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
