New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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