So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
