His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize