Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
