Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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