I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
