I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Is it because I queefed?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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