Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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