Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
