Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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