:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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