JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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