Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
