My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
