Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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