At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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