please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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