If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
